Confusion is a terrible thing; it can rid a man of his confidence, his wife, and most importantly his identity. Confusion shrouds subjects which the subject had, in his younger years, subjectively considered. However, some topics are more confusing than others – penis reduction, verile molecules, molestation, sweat, ginger ale selection, etc - and none are more confusing than the age old question of niceness, because we all know that nice people are better people. And who wouldn’t want to be a damn good chap?
Here are four everyday scenarios the nice person must negotiate wisely in order to be construed nice – maybe not by others, but by his self. The confusion surrounding scenarios can be avoided if one doesn’t seek the council of judgemental people. The peril lies in the perception. The nice person is a thinking man.
Scenario 1 – Your friend asks you to accompany him on a 250 mile journey to pick his girlfriend up from the airport.
The nice person would refuse flat. He would give no reasons through fear of insulting his friend but would go home and write them in his journal. The grounds for such a refusal would lie in the girl’s lack of foresight in booking her journey correctly. A lack of foresight in a girl means that she’d be terrible at arranging games of backgammon. Of course the main reason lies in the fact his girlfriend is clearly a dropmot (male antelope disguised as a woman who can display several personalities) and shouldn’t be trusted. He would endeavour to remind his friend of her slights through subtlety and perseverance. If this doesn’t work he would seduce the girl and take pictures of her many personalities. Intercourse, of course.
Scenario 2 – You’re asked by an old lady to assist her in crossing the road.
Of course the common perception here is to help her across whilst talking congenially about the weather, and the butterflies, and that bad man Jeremy Kyle. This is wrong. If you help her now, what happens when she’s at a crossroads sans people? She’d wait and wait and wait and wait and wait…the sun would burn and the cold would freeze. Doffing the cap and walking on by is absolutely the right thing to do. You’ll be praised in heaven for your forethought.
Scenario 3 – Meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time in a bar you’re asked to buy a round of drinks.
This is a hazy one. Buying a drink for the parents of such a stunning girl is the least you could do, right? Wrong. The least you could do would be to sit obliviously and play with your phone. When the father of your girl eventually asks if you’d like a drink you should continue playing on your phone and grunt ‘Carling’. When he comes back with said drink, you throw it over him and walk out the bar. Consider this the changing of the guards - being nasty sets the tone for a nice relationship. She’ll respect you for it.
Scenario 4 – Your friend asks you to watch his band.
Never hang around with your friends. They’re better off without you, the nice person knows this. He holds the burden of isolation on his ample shoulders. When people or friends try to communicate with you, give them a copy of Nine Short Stories by JD Salinger and nod knowingly. This will set them at ease.
“Nigella's mum gave her an invaluable insight into nice behaviour. According to Nigella her advice went something like this: 'It is better to be charmed than to charm.' By this she meant that what makes people feel good about themselves is feeling as if they have been charming, interesting; in short, have been listened to. For her, the notion that one should be oneself, be riveting or aim to be quite the most fascinating person in the room was a vulgarity and just sheer misplaced vanity. Trying to be charming is self-indulgent; allowing oneself to be charmed is simply good manners.”
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