Armstrong was a dope fiend and a bully, or so the majority
of the sports world would now have you believe. Whether these statements are
true or not I believe that there is no room in sport for retrospective
punishment. Legends are made in the moment and their foibles are stricken to
hearsay and drunken ramblings. The man in the Maillot Jaune in Paris is the only
man that counts. Just ask Andy Schleck, who was retrospectively handed the 2010
crown after Contador was found guilty of doping, whether he feels like a winner.
Personally, I’m of the view that, “cyclists have to ride through cold, through heat
waves, in the rain and in the mountains” and they should be able to treat their
bodies as they wish. It would certainly remove the tiresome, ‘did he, or didn’t
he,’ and would compel people to talk about the athletes undeniable commitment
to an awfully difficult sport. Tedious doping views aside; I still feel that
Lance Armstrong has been a very silly man. In this article I’ll recount how to
avoid Lance’s fate, and become number 1 in your chosen field, acrimony free.
Firstly, Lance Armstrong is widely known as a bit of a
prick, it’s generally thought that USADA, and their chief exec Travis Tygart,
wouldn’t have dogged him for so many years had he not been so pompous and arrogant.
He would have escaped punishment and the world would still have seen him as the
blue eyed hero of the Tour. The lesson here is don’t be a wanker, or if you
must, be selective over those you’re a wanker to. For example, if you’re doping
in the office don’t piss off the sniffer dog your boss’s girlfriend insists on bringing
to work.
Secondly, Lance was quick to cut anyone who was found guilty
of doping, this left a bitter taste in the mouth, and these men invariably came
back to oust him. Silly Lance. Anyone who smoked at school was aware of this
most basic of rules – if you’re doing something unlawful make sure that those
who know of your unlawfulness are placated, or at least kept close to your
heart. There are reasons why, despite killing 70 million of his own people,
Chairman Mao is still revered by many in China.
Thirdly, Lance is one of the most recognisable faces in the
world not because of his seven incredible Tour wins but because of his charity
work and many appearances in mainstream media – film, TV, newspapers, etc. This
is fine but when you’re eventually ousted as being a fraud it means that more
people have an opinion on your wrong doings, and your character becomes a
little murkier. Lesson here is, keep the charity work to a minimum, if you must
donate money, do it under a false name, and don’t leave the safety of your
bedroom for anybody, unless she has massive boobs and a propensity for sex with
‘powerful’ men, aka, you.
Fourthly, it is commonly known that Heroin gives you a far
higher sense of self worth than winning seven Tours ever could. It is easier,
and if found out nobody would care because so many people take it. Also, I heard
that many heroin addicts live rewarding lives. Silly, silly Lance.
So, there we have it, a comprehensive look at how to be a slightly
detestable success. Arseholes will out!!
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