In Fear Of Death

Death isn’t something to fear – common ideology. Many of my best friends are dead. This is how I heard Captain Hook died:

Hook had a wife who always tried to get close to him but when she did he clammed up, like a clam. He needed her to ask more insightful questions which would compel him to spill-the-beans (x2) on his intimacy issues. She was beautiful and exceptionally friendly but had a limited vocabulary; this rendered her unable to articulate words in the succinct manner Hook craved.

Hook and his wife spent hours and days and minutes and bananas sitting near each other exchanging coy/angry glances. Their silence and Hook’s reverie was only ever broken by Jay Z who lived underneath the bottom bunk. He would shout at intermittent points during the night: “You know I thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em cause I don't fuckin' need 'em.” Ironically, Jay Z had been permanently scarred by a checkout girl who had actually thugged him, fucked him, loved him but then left him –15 years later and he still hadn’t recovered. Hook hated Jay Z but loved his wife. He loved her so much but ABOVE ALL he hated her guts. This hatred manifested itself in Hook’s reaction to his wife powdering her nose and rearranging her frock – he took her vanity as an enormous betrayal of trust. 

Instinctively Hook grabbed for a pot of polish and his gun – the man, confused by jealousy, couldn’t speak but knew how to go down blazin’ (cheers Jay to the Z). When the guns were polished – they were always clean – he would reach for the bullets, look into his wife’s eyes and pour his sole all over her belly. Then Robin Hood – deceitful as a kipper in a trout farm –  would shoot him in his ankle and take his girl – this left him with a shit load of time to pursue his other hobbies.

Hook’s funeral was watched by a gaggle of moirologists. (Yep)

I was only 26, only 26, only 36, only 66. Everybody wants to be a kid, a 76 year old kid in a box. It would be great if everyone who died automatically turned into the happiest moment in their life. Or their happiest thought. That way death wouldn’t be so grim. I’m a realist.