When I was 10, my mum got stuck in a lift. Here's her story
THE LIFT HAS A LIGHT WHICH IS FLASHING ON AND OFF AT
IRREGULAR INTERVALS. A MAN IS SAT INSIDE WITH A CONCERNED FROWN ON HIS FACE.
CAMERA FOCUSES ON THE MAN’S HEAD BEFORE CUTTING TO THE PHONE, WHICH IS LYING IN
HIS HAND ON LOUD SPEAKER, THEN BACK TO HIS HEAD.
MAN
Listen closely Arthur…
CAMERA FLICKS TO A MAN IN AN EXPENSIVE ROOM WEARING A SMART
SUIT WITH A SIGN ON HIS DESK WHICH READS:
‘AA TEACHERTON
SENIOR
MAGICIAN’
IN THE BACKGROUND IS A LARGE WINDOW THROUGH WHICH A PANORAMIC
VIEW OF LONDON CAN BE SEEN.
MAN
…I don’t have much time and would consider…
AA TEACHERTON
(ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Hellooooo old boy, I’ve been meaning to
talk with you. Dick’s been up to all sorts of late. He shagged that girl from
the Paris office and now he refuses to get those files we need because he’s
afraid of talking to her. She was incredibly frigid anyway, the tart. Straight
up and down it was, no funny stuff, the frigid tart have you ever heard of such
nonsense? Well of course you have, you know Dick he’s always up to some shifty
shay-nans, isn’t he? The twat.
MAN
Yes, of course, very amusing man. But listen, Arthur, I have
something to tell you and there’s very little time. I’m stuck in a lift at the
moment and need your help…
THE LIFT MAKES A CREAKING NOISE.
AA TEACHERTON
You’re stuck in a lift? You twat. How have you managed that?
Did Dick put you up to this?
LAUGHS WHOLE-HEARTEDLY BEFORE MID-LAUGH CONTINUING WITH THE
STORY.
THE END
AA TEACHERTON
He’s not adverse to the odd prank you know. I remember the time he was dating the receptionist he made a tea bag out of old tampons, and gave it to her. When she finished the damn thing he ditched her, apparently she’d been cheating on him. The whole office called her PG twat for a month, bloody hilarious it was.
MAN LAUGHS A LITTLE NERVOUSLY.
MAN
Yes, of course, I remember it very well. Highly amusing it was but I’m on a bit of a sticky wicket and need your help. I wouldn’t have called but, you’ll have to believe me when I say it was easiest. I mean…
AA TEACHERTON
You honour me, sir. I haven’t seen you since, well since the London Riots where we dressed up as ‘The Cock Bloc’ in man sized condoms. Bloody smart idea for a costume, I’ll tell you. Certainly didn’t have any trouble that night.
MAKES A THRUSTING MOVEMENT ON HIS CHAIR WHILST SNORTING WITH LAUGHTER.
AA TEACHERTON
Remember, reme…
MAN
Yes, yes, of course I remember but damn it will you listen?!
AA TEACHERTON
(SHOCKED) Shoot!!
MAN
I fear I’m not long for this world my magical act’s a bit out of control. I tried to saw a gorilla in half yesterday, it went wrong and now I’m paying the price.
CUTS OUT TO A SHOT OF TWO GORILLAS HOLDING THE MAN’S ARMS DOWN. CAMERA THEN PANS UP TO THE TOP OF THE LIFT WERE A GORILLA IS SAWING THROUGH THE LIFT’S CABLE SEEMINGLY PREPARING TO DESTROY HIMSELF AND THE OTHER GORILLAS.
CAMERA: A SHOT OF THE LIFT FROM JUST OUTSIDE OF THE LIFT’S DOORS. THE MAN HAS BLOOD ALL OVER HIM. THE FINAL CHORD IS SNAPPED, THERE IS A BRIEF WAITING WERE THE MAN LOOKS TERRIFIED AND EXPECTS THE LIFT TO DROP. THE DOORS THEN SLAM SHUT ON HIS LEGS CHOPPING THEM CLEAN OFF.
THROUGHOUT THESE SCENES THERE IS A NOISE COMING FROM THE PHONE AS AA TEACHERTON TALKS.
CUTS BACK TO AA TEACHERTON
AA TEACHERTON
…good show, I’ve always wondered…
AA TEACHERTON REALISES THE PHONE IS DEAD.
AA TEACHERTON
(TO HIMSELF) How peculiar.
AA TEACHERTON PUTS THE PHONE DOWN. SITS FOR A SECOND, SEEMINGLY CONTEMPLATING THE INEVITABLE DISASTER, BEFORE GRABBING A PEN AND JOTTING DOWN:
‘GUERILLA WARFARE’
ON A SAVOY PAD.
CHUCKLING TO HIMSELF HE PULLS OUT HIS WALLET.
AA TEACHERTON
Brew time, I feel.
TO WHICH A BAT IN A MONKEY COSTUME FLIES FROM HIS WALLET AND OUT OF SHOT.
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