Perfect Picnics

In light of my recent Picnicing catastrophe I’ve decided to take measures which will bestow Pycnophants – a word used by all Picnic lovers, it combines the words Picnic and sycophant and means a flatterer of Picnics – with a simple guide with which to measure the suitability of potential Picnics. This guide (and guide in practise) means that one need never attend a faux Picnic.

Guide rule 1: Each person’s name must begin with ‘J’. That way the Pycnophant can purchase shirts, customise them with a letter ‘J’ and call themselves the JJ’s – the kids at work’ll think you’re really cool!! Ideally the attendees should have Christian names such as John, Jack, Jill, Jane, etc. However, replacing the first letter of your non-‘J’-Christian name is also acceptable – Jatthew, Jenjamin, Jicholas, Jimothy, Jebecca, etc.

Guide rule 2: There should be three common sounding folk to each posh sounding person. This means, much like Orange cordial, that the flavour of the Picnic’s conversation will be pleasant, and nourishing without being overbearing.

Rule 3: No food should be consumed before the hill has been conquered.

For complete certainity of a person's suitability quiz them on their last picnic, they should tell you it went something like this: (note, any variations should be seen as a strict red light and said Picnic should be avoided at all costs.)

Sat on top of a hill.

John: Pass us one o’ them there Ham Sannies           

Jeff: Sure thing, Broseph, coming at ya.

Jeff throws Ham Sandwich which separates in mid-air and ham flies in all directions.

Jane: Oi, you’re getting ham all over me sneakers.

Jerusalem: And did these feet in ancient times, walk upon England’s mountains green?