Wasted Days

The example detailed here is theoretical but similarities with reality abound.

Tomorrow is the day Hydrocalonic Spaceships depart Earth in honour of Science, humanity and the death of heavy metal. However, tomorrow is not today, tomorrow is 24 brain fading hours away, and as Red once said “waiting time is slow time…alone in the dark with nothing but your thoughts, time can draw out like a blade.” Waiting is for Romeo and Juliet and all the rats in the sewer, but it’s not for the clever human.

Therefore, the question I’d like to answer is not how best to endure the waiting, but more, how to eradicate the waiting. Withnail came close to an answer, when he said, “All right, this is the plan. We get in there and get wrecked, then we'll eat a pork pie, then we'll drop a couple of Surmontil-50's each. That means we'll miss out Monday but come up smiling Tuesday morning.” But there’s certainly room for improvement. Here’s how a sensible person would go about the task.

Call into work and tell them you died. Then drift on down to ‘The End Of Days’ rock shop. Steal some bread along the way for sustenance. In the rock shop tell them you’re a penis who wants to fuck some shit musicians than smash a guitar on the floor and run. In fifty minutes between 3 and 4 million musicians who swore their allegiance to the league of musicians will be hot on your sweet ass. Fear not; you have an agenda and your own mind - as the saying goes “a pig in a brothel ain’t there for the pussy”.

When things get too hot bow your head to the crowd and take to the sewers; in any situation the sewers will save you – they have water, food, enough entertainment to keep the fertile mind engaged, and the fumes aid memory loss. If you don’t have a fertile mind stick to the trees - birds will attack you minutely leaving the need for imagination moribund. Note: Sewer – survive off faeces and courgettes. Trees – survive off birds and tree sap. Stay in the sewer/trees for 4 hours, before climbing down/out, well-nourished and ready for day-loss recommencement.

After 30 minutes, memory will start to reappear, this is the sign that stage 2 must commence. Run fast, and force laughter from your waiting mouth – this stupidity will buy you minutes. Head towards the nearest forest - everybody knows forests are the choice destination for most birthday celebrations. At any given time at least three unfortunates will be ‘celebrating’ their existence. Perfect. Find one of these celebrations. Sit down amongst the smilers, the frowners, and the candle-stick makers. 

Entry to this circle of ‘happiness’ will be ensured with a similar declaration of happiness – bring Di Da Di by Kan Kan then help blow out all the candles. After winning their trust tell the birthday boy/girl that they’re now too old to be so naïve. Happiness will disperse and be replaced with a bubbling anger. This anger will manifest itself in choice words, words which your subconsciously disgraced mind will contemplate repeatedly until you fall into a semi-troubled, but all consuming, sleep.

The day is over and you haven’t thought about Hydrocalonic Spaceships, you’ve done nothing and nothing is remembered. You feel good, unlike all those unfortunate saps that wasted energy on excitement and anticipation. Bravo.